It's late New Years Eve Eve, and a quiet moment to catch up.
Christmas this year was great, no fuss, no stress, just us doing what we want, when we want to. Your aunty and uncle came over Christmas eve as they often do. You got to open your gifts from them and they got to see your excitement.
Next morning, you were up nice and early. Santa did not disappoint! A lego set, your talking bear and a mega colour reveal Barbie set. With the bear being the highlight. So far hes been to the shops with us, he gets tucked in to bed and your new sleep sack and you want to bring him away on holiday with us.
Mummy and Daddy got you a samsung notebook, which you've been keen on for a while. This was our big outlay and one weve been working hard towards getting for you. Aunty A helped us set it up and get a heap of educational and fun stuff loaded on ready for you to use.
We had a quiet day on your birthday as Daddy had to work, so after you opened your presents I took you off to the movies. We were the only two in the theater which was quite cool. A bit like our own private viewing.
Your party this year was at flipout, and you had about 8 friends come along to join in the fun, your llama cake was amazing, and good times were had by all. I'm really pleased we were able to do these things for you this year beautiful girl, because you deserve it.
So on this New Years Eve Eve, its time for a little reflection on things past this year.
This has been a big year for us. Lots of change, lots of really great things like all that special time we had together, creating, playing, talking and exploring. A lot of scary and sad times too, like heading back to school with all of the new restrictions on drop off and pick up points, play areas restricted, school discos cancelled etc. But one highlight I still remember was that first day back and your headmaster meeting you at the gate with an elbow outstretched to greet you, a bunch a bright helium balloons bouncing above and a warm smile and hello.
While I personally made the decision that a relationship with my mother was no longer healthy for me, I have ensured that she was taken care of during lockdown, that you and her continue to have contact at times like her birthday, just before xmas and after your birthday. Its the right thing for you, and for her. Your Daddy facilitates this for me and so his work shifts and availability take a little working around. Shout out of sorts at this point to the ex school friend I trusted to introduce to my mother to take care of her cleaning. (Sarcasm) I'll just say that you broke my trust by sharing my photos and posts with a third party, you did not need my mothers credit card and or pin number because you did not need to burst her bubble and do her shopping. I was doing that, sans credit card of course because that is just wrong. My brother was also doing that. I'm not sure how much my mother eats a week but even you would admit that is overkill. You may have vowed and declared that bubbles were not burst because you wore gloves...but here's the thing Dumbass, you handed your phone over to her to scroll through all my facebook posts...moron. I'm sure though, she had paid you handsomely, maybe we will find you listed in her will...I promise you this, I will go through her payments like a forensic accountant and I'll find out what your friendship cost.
I believe 2021 is going to be a better year for our family. I'm working through my grief of losing my job and the effects of that. I'm still coming to terms with how so many people didnt even ask if we were okay, or if there was anything they could do. Something that has always come so naturally to me. I really feel that some people thought we deserved it, some couldn't wait for us to come begging and others just didnt care enough to even want to hear. I've always been the first to hold my hand out out when friends or family have needed it, often before they've even known or said anything. To have such silence from many, rocked me and made me feel very alone. It certainly gave cause for much evaluation and further change in my life. As shown below, it's not so much about that we needed the help but feeling no one gave a shit to even ask.
I was humbled by a few, Aunty a and uncle s who thought they would drop off a big bag of dog biscuits because, well they just knew it might help. My second stand out was another school staffer who one day mid lockdown, knocked on our front door and dropped us off a food parcel. Emily your wonderful teacher had told them I had lost my job and that was just something practical they could do to show us a little bit of love. I never would have ever asked for it, and we were doing okay, we were managing, but gosh I felt someone cared, and I cried. And we paid that good fortune on. As we always have.
I took on a new job, and I'm sure most people thought see I'm not sure what she was so worried about, shes fallen on her feet again and got a job. Nothing to worry about after all. I'm saying the people who thought that were the same people who never bothered to hear the effects of the job loss and how that shattered my remaining confidence. No thought given to all the jobs I had applied for in recent years without reply and how a covid environment might impact that further...no, that was just me being anxious and dramatic. Thanks mum, not. This new job, it was an honest days work, in a warehouse. Physical, demoralizing at times and minimum wage. Hard on my body and exhausting. I think for some of those people its somehow more understandable and easy to empathize with strangers stories. Like the airline pilots having to now stack shelves, they make great talking points or news items dont they, but let's not take a moment to listen and hear about your daughter or friend who used to earn $32 an hour and had trust and respect to work autonomously and now was earning $19 and being told not to talk. I did reach out to a few friends to tell them, those who responded with love and understanding are whom I am still reaching out to...I am lucky I suppose that I was able to secure a job and I try to remain grateful because, even 19 dollars was more than the zero I had been getting. I lost count of the times I thought, is this my lot now? It had been 20 years since I last earnt this income, 20 years I had to adjust to trying hard to be grateful but mourning all I had once had and it seemed no employers saw that worth. Add to that the redundancy started to appear very personal. But yeah, few people know that, because few wanted to really hear.
Maybe people just assumed that the wonderful caring kind government would be there to pay our bills with their generous benefit increases and computers for all? Dont be ridiculous. People like me have never been eligible for a cent from government, no working for families, nudda. And I will say those people were all people who have comfortably drawn from the government tit and never once had to worry themselves that the government would stop the paychecks from coming especially during their covid experience. Covid payments, Acc, wff, sickness benefits, study benefits, pensions, public servants...how nice of you all to keep telling me to just be nice. Scoff.
But from the bottom, the only way is up right?! 2021 is already looking brighter, I've removed those fake friends and toxic family members. And I am better off without them ALL.
TJ those fiejoas I left out for you that then went in the bin. It was so nice to read a week later enthusiastically that you finally got some and scoffed your face with them. So nice, actually I quietly hoped youd choked on them ...and I'm not even sure why you accepted the zoom call (it was obvious you had no interest from the outset and I certainly had given up cajoling you along) only later to then advise with a blanket post on your facebook that you weren't going to be social mediaing...okay...a quick messenger would have been sufficient, it would have been polite, kind even. But that's how the last few years have been with you. Go on a group trip and hang by yourself...okay...cant give you a ride Jen not going in your direction...okay...its two fucken blocks but okay again. Oh Jen I can see you're excited to be going to this concert let me just post something derogatory on your page about how I cant stand the band and would rather drink my own vomit...did that upset you Jen...okay. Quick to poke the bear and then wave your white flag like you didnt realise you were being cunty...yes you did, you just didnt like being called out for it.
THAT IS WHY, I distanced from you, the whole politics thing was just another example for me. If you had ever bothered to hear me all of you would know. I state it clearly on my fb profile and it's been there for YEARS. Politics is great, but keep yours to yourself. If you want to keep shoving yours at me, then expect the same in kind. Personally I prefer to and can keep it out of my online dealings. Respect, that was what was lacking, a lack of fucks long before I pushed you to pull the plug. JC you were just collateral damage. I knew you were the best friend, if I was to cut her off I knew I was cutting you out too. Sorry not sorry. Nothing personal, just not plu to me anymore. And let's talk about that plu, weren't nobody posting in that but yl and me for close to 10 months! All of a sudden you're offended I dare leave. Lol. Okay again.
YL I feel for ya, you were put in a shit position. But arguably not by me. I had chosen not to burden you with my misgivings about tj, I chose not to join you all for last new years despite your recent return, for a reason. I thought in the fullness of time I would have time to catch up with you in person and let you know where I was at. And then covid. I gave you a chance to talk if you wanted, there was no reason things between you and I needed to change...unless you had a different opinion. And with the distinct change in your responses to me it certainly felt different. What I had done to you, still evades me and you've said you're there but I have to be honest this is not the friendship I once had with you. I feel a bit ghosted and I've wracked my brains over and over but I cannot do that anymore...our contact has become superficial and I'm pained to keep pretending nothing has changed because...for me, it has. I tried, harder than I've ever tried before because this friendship was special. A friendship like no other. But I'm not going to force what is no longer there. Likewise I'm not going to accept fleeting glimpses of what was, because I find that cruel. It is time I let go and move forward.
Tj you seemed to be very smug and all look I got the friend when I saw you last...you're a dickhead. It never was about Yl, it never was about You. It always was and is, about me and what I am no longer prepared to accept as people like me. People like ME you are not. So I think finally enough has been said.
Another year of clarity for me and while some of that working through hurt like hell, I'm stronger for the experience, I no longer see what I have lost, but what I am gaining. New doors opening, new friendships, old friendships renewed. And most importantly, my self respect and my little family who without their cuddles, love, smiles and support...I wouldnt be here.
